Barriers to a violence-free life: Understanding the challenges of leaving an abuser.

Unconditional acceptance and love within a family are fundamental needs for everyone. However, in relationships marked by violence, these needs are not merely overlooked; the abuser systematically undermines the partner's self-esteem, violates personal boundaries, affects their mood, and even poses threats to their health and life.

Journalist UNN spoke with psychologist and specialist from the mobile social and psychological support team, Elena Nadtochiy, about why individuals may ignore their need for acceptance and love, endure abuse from their partner for years, and how someone can be encouraged to take the step to break the cycle of violence.

I. MAIN REASONS WHY PEOPLE DO NOT SEEK HELP

Shame and guilt

The first reason a victim may not seek help, according to the specialist, is the lack of internal support. A person with a long history of abusive relationships often has low self-esteem (a distorted sense of self-worth). Furthermore, the abusive partner continually criticizes them, instilling feelings of shame and guilt.

"Neither shame nor guilt in abusive relationships are objective. We are only responsible for the things we say and do. The victim does not choose to hit or humiliate; that is entirely the choice and responsibility of the abuser," explains Nadtochiy.

She notes that when a partner with greater psychological resilience systematically criticizes and highlights the other person's flaws, it can lead the victim to believe they somehow provoked the violence and "deserve" such treatment. Abusers often point to the "emotionality" of the other person.

"Typical phrases might be: 'You're behaving unreasonably,' 'You're too emotional.' Meanwhile, the abuser may not even 'explode with emotions' but simply come and hit," comments Nadtochiy.

The specialist emphasizes that mutual accusations and lack of acceptance can stem from recently experienced traumas (for instance, those caused by war).

"When a man or woman returns from a combat zone with certain mental issues, communication even in families that previously had great relationships changes dramatically. Therefore, when we talk about self-worth, it’s about the unconditional acceptance of a person, both their dark and light sides, as everyone has them. What we tend to call 'negative personality traits' is a very subjective category. For one person, it may be a 'negative aspect,' while for another, it’s a 'quirk.' So, it’s always about dialogue," says the psychologist.

Stigmatization of the person suffering from violence

In many societies, cultures, and mentalities, violence is considered a "family matter." Particularly in Ukraine, there still exists a so-called culture of non-interference. Consequently, a victim may endure violence for years out of fear of societal condemnation for "destroying the family."

"The most traumatizing is the condemnation from loved ones. Family members, neighbors, and acquaintances often have a negative attitude toward divorce, especially if the couple has children. A woman expressing the intention to divorce may become an object of condemnation and stigmatization," explains Nadtochiy.

The specialist adds that many women fear they will not be able to support themselves and their children. Some of them work and sometimes even support the abuser. Additionally, many women are held back by the fear of "depriving their children of their father," as there is still some form of support from the abusive man.

"Sometimes, the victim simply justifies their inability to leave the cycle of violence. Unfortunately, nobody asks the children whether they want an abuser as their father. Yet, they should. The violence that children witness undoubtedly affects their worldview, shaping a distorted notion of 'norm' in family and partner relationships," notes the expert.

Victim-blaming

Our society still harbors a destructive habit of blaming victims. This manifests when a person is accused of provoking violent actions through their appearance, manner of communication, or any other behavior. Such accusations often target victims of sexual violence.

"When I worked in a social service, I witnessed a raped woman being blamed by the mother of the suspect. Supposedly, she was dressed provocatively and was under the influence of alcohol. To illustrate the absurdity of this thought, I asked the woman how many times in her life she had considered forcing intimate relations with girls in short skirts who were drinking. No person consciously provokes violence; no one wishes to be beaten, raped, or killed," emphasizes the psychologist. She adds that in cases of violence, the behavior of the victim does not matter.

The role of misogyny (a dismissive, prejudiced attitude toward women) is dangerous and persists in society—prejudices applied to women would never be "applied" to men.

Violence becomes the "norm"

As the psychologist explains, when a person strives for more than they have, they must step outside their so-called "comfort zone." This doesn't necessarily mean that this "zone" is something entirely positive. Quite often, it is a familiar, predictable situation where they are willing to continue enduring problems, discomfort, or even pain and fear for the sake of a false sense of stability.

"For victims, the 'comfort zone' is violence. To step beyond this destructive boundary, many difficult actions are required. The protective mechanisms of the psyche activate strongly; the person is in a panic about change, as they cannot foresee circumstances and are uncertain whether their life will change if they seek help or whether they can cope on their own. Therefore, they often remain in a situation where there is violence, but it is familiar and predictable," explains Nadtochiy.

Lack of information

Many victims do not know where to turn for help or even if they can seek assistance for their issues. With unstable, distorted self-esteem, individuals suffering from violence frequently devalue their problems.

II. TWO IMPORTANT STEPS TO ESCAPE VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS

According to the psychologist, to break free from the "cycle of violence," the victim must identify the problem itself. Often, an inability to say "no" can serve as a marker of violence.

"When a person feels they cannot refuse when certain emotions or guilt are imposed on them—but does nothing about it—this is when their self-worth and self-esteem begin to deteriorate," lists Nadtochiy. She also advises paying attention to the fact that a person in an abusive situation often finds excuses for the abuser and blames themselves, thinking, 'Maybe I'm not that good,' or 'Maybe I deserve this treatment.'

"A person understands there is a problem, but fear and doubt prevent them from leaving this cycle of violence," explains the psychologist.

Nadtochiy notes that once a person realizes they are in the "cycle of violence," it is essential to explain the reasons and mechanisms that create barriers (fear, dependency) that hinder their path to liberation.

"It’s important to discuss self-esteem, the cause-and-effect relationships of the abuser's behavior, the mental protective mechanisms, and the syndrome of learned helplessness—a complex psychological state where a person simply stops believing they can influence the situation. They relinquish control to others. And the person thinks nothing will change even if they try," notes Nadtochiy.

Preventing violence is important

The more people read specialized literature and watch programs about violence, the more likely they are to recognize it and break the cycle.

"Currently, a considerable number of women are aware of both abuse and misogyny. I love how prevention impacts people's worldviews and their understanding of what is happening and what might happen if they continue to stay in abusive relationships or commit violence against their children—often unconsciously—because that’s how they were raised. Any situations involving domestic violence are complex, and exiting them requires time and effort," shares Nadtochiy.

IV. HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE IN NEED OF HELP

The psychologist suggests keeping the following dialogue principles in mind:

-       When speaking with someone suffering from domestic violence, it is essential to communicate through the lens of unconditional acceptance, impartially and without judgment.

-       It is crucial to encourage the person to seek professional help—where there is violence, not only the assistance of compassionate individuals is often needed, but also that of psychologists and other specialists.

-       One must consider "learned helplessness." People who have suffered from violence for extended periods lose faith in themselves. Ultimately, we should help the person regain faith in themselves and gradually restore their path to an independent life without violence.

-       Be present while addressing issues that seem difficult for the person, but do not do everything for them. For instance, often the victim cannot go somewhere due to the fear of rejection. In such cases, it is better to help them build clear plans, such as agreeing: "At 9 AM, for example, we will meet at a designated place and do the following. I will be nearby to help if needed." However, it is the victim who must open the doors, communicate with service providers, explain what they need, and so forth.

-       Constantly ask for permission. Initially, this may feel quite strange and be perceived with fear by the victims. For individuals suffering