Midlife crisis: how to recognize what you're experiencing and how to navigate through it?

The midlife crisis is not merely a trendy term, but a state that affects one's career, relationships, self-esteem, and even health. Some view it as a turning point, while others see it as an opportunity to start anew.

UNN spoke with psychotherapist specializing in crisis and transitional periods of life, Oksana Collins, about the nature of this phenomenon, why it occurs, the main signs of a midlife crisis, and how to navigate this period with ease.

What is a midlife crisis, and why does it happen? How long can it last? What are the main signs or symptoms of a midlife crisis? What external and internal factors most commonly trigger a midlife crisis?

This crisis represents a specific internal process that can last for a certain period, typically between the ages of 35-45 (sometimes later), characterized by a reevaluation of one's past journey and reassessment of what has been achieved and what remains unfulfilled. It may be related to the realization of the fleeting nature of time and age-related changes.

A person may begin to notice that they no longer have as much energy and resources as they once did, that their body and abilities have limitations, and that health issues may become more concerning or manifest as specific bodily reactions to stress or strain.

Changes, in general, frighten us. Although they are a natural part of our lives, change is always accompanied by uncertainty, which is a primary source of anxiety and can feel like a threat to our psychological safety.

Therefore, when someone over 35 notices that their body is becoming less resilient, that they need more time to recover, or that they can no longer do things they used to (for example, staying up until 3 AM working on a project or relaxing somewhere, and then going to work an 8-hour day), and that there are changes in their appearance, this can be perceived negatively, and even threatening.

However, this is not the only factor. A separate cause of this crisis may be a point of significant disappointment regarding the path one is on, accompanied by an internal feeling that they can no longer continue in the same way. People often describe this as an internal feeling that they can no longer force themselves to do what they do not truly want.

This can pertain to professional engagement and career, relationships, and overall self-expression and life organization.

Often, certain external changes or shocks in a person's life can serve as prerequisites for this internal call. For instance, infidelity in a relationship, separation and moving away of children, relocating to another country, meeting classmates who have become more successful in realizing their dreams and desires, work problems, job loss, loss of a partner due to death, a diagnosed illness, and similar events.

In other words, an event occurs in a person's life that causes them to experience a significant shock and prompts deeper self-reflection, seeking answers to questions like: "Who am I now?", "Where am I going?", "Where have I arrived?". Even purely social or socio-political circumstances can serve as prerequisites. For instance, the full-scale war that affected us all on February 24.

And of course, one could say that all these prerequisites can occur in a person younger than 35, provoking crisis experiences, feelings, and processes. But at this age, it can feel more painful and significant, considering the awareness of age-related changes and their irreversibility.

A person may feel that, conditionally speaking, they have less and less time left in life, yet they lack energy, and they begin to recognize their limitations, leading to a feeling that the chance to realize what they wanted is diminishing, which can be very painful, resulting in various emotions such as sadness, disappointment, and so on.

They feel compelled to seize what feels like their last chance (although, of course, it's not the last chance, often it's just a perception, but internally it feels that way): if I don't realize this now, if I don't do what truly belongs to me, what my soul, heart, or inner self is urging me to do, then it's over - I've lost that chance, I didn't fulfill it, and that will hurt even more.

Thus, a person clings to this chance, striving for these changes, and the crisis aspect here lies in the fact that while they seek these changes, they may also feel disoriented for a time, not understanding how to organize these changes, what they need to do, or how to reshape their life, relationships, or career, for example.

There is this feeling that time is running out, and they need to hurry. Of course, this generates anxiety, a desire to rush, and often it hinders the ability to focus, orient themselves, and give themselves enough time to think, make informed decisions, and recognize opportunities. This rush can limit them and, in turn, exacerbate the tension and the sense that they are losing their chances.

How can a midlife crisis affect a person's self-esteem and emotional state?

This will also depend on a number of factors. Firstly, on how a person perceives this crisis period and themselves within it.

Secondly, on the experiences they bring into this crisis period (whether they have faced something similar before, how they coped with difficulties, whether they have encountered changes in their life before, how they accepted those changes, what scared them the most, and where they found support and resources to get through it).

In general, from my practice, I've noticed that people facing a crisis encounter four key emotions: guilt, shame, anxiety, and helplessness. These emotions can occur in combination, or one may be more dominant, more characteristic of the individual.

In particular, a person with feelings of guilt may repeatedly return to the question and feeling: "I did something wrong." This can certainly affect their self-relations, self-perception, and self-esteem.

The feeling of shame serves as a signal of an internal: "Something is wrong with me if I've ended up at this point and everything in my life is like this." This can deeply affect not only self-esteem but also a sense of self-worth. The feeling of helplessness or powerlessness is connected to the idea: "Everything in my life is bad, and I don't know what to do about it." This can also affect one's sense of ability to cope, impacting self-esteem.

How to distinguish a midlife crisis from depression or other psychological disorders?

I've noticed that when people share their difficulties, they often label them as either depression or a crisis. If they're feeling very internally distressed - complicated emotions, confusion, lack of energy - they often say: "I'm experiencing some kind of depression"/"I'm in depression."

If there are external problems accompanying the internal experiences - inability to make a decision, find a job, conclude or start a relationship - then they might describe it as "some kind of crisis in life," "a rough patch."

So how can you tell what you're going through? I would recommend consulting a specialist. In fact, even psychotherapists cannot diagnose ("assign") conditions; that is the role of a physician (psychiatrist).

However, here are a few signs that can help you orient yourself.

Main signs of a crisis:

• You contemplate whether you have truly lived as you wanted,
• You desire change (in profession, residence, relationships, lifestyle),
• You are in search of new meanings and goals,
• You experience emotional fluctuations ("emotional roller coasters"): from feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, sadness to episodes of increased motivation and energy.

The key aspect is that you occasionally feel a strong urge for change (sometimes people say: "I feel this itch, if I could, I would change my life or situation today, but something is holding me back.")

Regarding depression, it's worth seeking diagnosis from a specialist if you:

• Have been feeling down for an extended period (more than 2 weeks consistently),
• Experience feelings of hopelessness (it seems like your current situation or period will never end, and there will be no improvement),
• Lack the desire to do anything (even activities you once enjoyed no longer bring you joy),
• Feel a shortage of energy, barely managing even routine tasks,
• Experience sleep issues (either sleeping too much or too little, difficulty falling asleep or waking up),
• Have a profound sense that you are to blame for all the problems in your life and that you cannot fix or change anything,
• Experience a loss of appetite, weight loss, physical pain, weakness in the body or muscles.

Depression is often described as a state where life has lost its colors, as if everything has turned gray.

As for other disorders, there can be many factors, and it is worth diagnosing them with a specialist, but I want to highlight a few points.

It is definitely worth consulting a specialist if:

- You experience feelings of dissatisfaction or sadness (or another complex psycho-emotional state) lasting more